Jokes
She HAD to be, to have married JD in the first place!!
No, Wyatt and Ed, she wasn't crazy when we got married. It was a typical first marriage. We were young. She was HOT! And I used to drink a little ... too much. I found out too late that she wasn't much fun when I quit drinking.
Broke those beer goggles after the honeymoon eh?
Could be he learned that scientific question that comes up in some marriages. The question is:
What depresses the sexual appetite in women?
scroll down
Wedding Cake
Like that old Mickey Gilley song: Girls all get prettier at closing time?
Title: A Child's Homework
A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment...
After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:
Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me selling a shovel.
Mrs. Harrington
Hey everyone (or in my case "hay"),
I have received this several times but continue to enjoy it. This time I remembered to share! <grin>
Enjoy,
Nicole
AAADD--Age Activated
Attention Deficit
Disorder
KNOW
THE SYMPTOMS...
Here's why I realize I might have AAADD:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the
hose
in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch
table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put
the
junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the
can is
full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and
take out
the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I'm going to be
near the
mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay
the bills
first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that
there is
only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of
Pepsi I'd
been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks
but first I
need to
push the Pepsi
aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The
Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to
keep it
cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of
flowers
on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.
As I put the
Pepsi
on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been
searching
for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but
first
I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on
the
counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV
remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight
when we
go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't
remember
that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the
den where
it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water
in
the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor..
So,
I set
the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was
planning to
do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the
bills aren't
paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the
flowers
don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check
book,
I
can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't
remember
what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why
nothing got
done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn
day,
and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and
I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Tax Reminder..........April 15, 2010
Important tax reminder:
Don't forget to pay your taxes......
21 million illegal aliens are depending on you!!
Roy's at it again... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Our Roy stood up.. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Roy?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Our Roy watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Our Roy. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that Our Roy wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Roy! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Roy quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Our Roy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Our Roy asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
* * * * * * * * * * *
Our Roy attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Roy asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Roy, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..'
Did you know:
* That the words "race car" spelled backward still spells "race car".
* That "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1 st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate".
* And Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants", and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you f*$%ing, free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking buttholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat loving, raggedy a$$ Muslim b$%tards with you."
How weird is that????
Lord,
In the past year you took away my favorite actor..Patrick Swayse,
my favorite actress..Farrah Fawcett,
my favorite musician..Michael Jackson,
and my favorite salesman..Billie Mayes.
~
I just wanted to let you know my favorite President is Barack Obama
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Title: Quickie in the Bushes There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.' He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head.' ----------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???? |
Title: Old Medical Tool
This Old Tool Has Been Reintroduced in Washington D.C. by The New Administration
Are You Starting To Feel It Yet?
Title: Pharmaceutical Advertising
I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctors' offices on everything
from tissues to note pads.
this one should get the prize....
I e-mailed it to my Chinese doctor friend. He e-mailed back:
"If light stay on for more than 4 hours, call your erectrician."
Title: New Ice Cream Flavor
In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Random Ice Cream Company has introduced a new flavor: “ Barocky Road".
Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes.
The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.
The cost is $100.00 per scoop.
When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is taken away and given
to the person in line behind you who didn’t have the money to buy ice cream.
You are left with an empty wallet and no change, holding an empty cone with no hope of getting any ice cream.
Are you stimulated ?
Why our Medical Costs are so high...
Bubba had shingles.
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
Looks pretty doesn't it? Pretty deceiving....
PLEASE, DON'T USE THESE STAMPS! NOT FOR VALENTINE'S,
NOT FOR ANY MAIL!!
USPS 44-Cent Stamp Celebrates Muslim holidays Eid Al-Fitr and Eid Al-Adha .
If there is only ONE thing you forward today... let it be this!
REMEMBER to adamantly & vocally BOYCOTT this stamp, when you are purchasing your stamps at the post office.
All you have to say is " No thank you, I do not want that Muslim Stamp on my letters! "
To use this stamp would be a slap in the face to all those AMERICANS who died at the hands of those whom this stamp honors.
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of Pan Am Flight 103!
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993!
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the Marine Barracks in Lebanon !
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the M ilitary Barracks in Saudi Arabia !
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the American Embassies in Africa !
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the USS COLE!
REMEMBER the MUSLIM attack on 9/11/2001 !
REMEMBER all the AMERICAN lives that were lost in those vicious MUSLIM attacks!
Pass this along to every Patriotic American that you know and get the word out! Honor the United States of America !
