Jokes
Make sure you read them all. If admitted to a hospital, guess the moral of the story is to make sure Pookie Johnson is not on staff?
Feeling unappreciated? World got you down?
Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These …
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Still Having a Bad Day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both..
Still think you are having a Bad Day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him
away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of
wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been
happily listening to his Walkman.
Are Ya OK Now? - No?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs
to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs
broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding
madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What? STILL having a Bad Day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage
on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!
There now, Feeling Better?
The FruitCake Lady:
Attachment: FruitcakeLady.asf (2878.0KB)
Subject: Three Possible Super Bowl Advertisements
Attachment: SB_Ad1.wmv (2566.0KB)
Attachment: SB_AD2.wmv (1632.0KB)
Attachment: SB_AD3.wmv (982.0KB)
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
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'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward..
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'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
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'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
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'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
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'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .'
-- Dan Quayle
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'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'
--Lee Iacocca
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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
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'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
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'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Feeling smarter yet?
You shouldn't send a woman to a hardware store
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he
sent his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf
while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a
customer.
When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot. Joe
Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy,
and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find it.
From the backroom Joe Bob yelled,"Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that
hinge?"
To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
“Top 10 Pickup Lines in West Virginia”1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away.2) Are yer parents retarded?Cuz ya sure are special.3) My love fer you is like diarrhea,I can't hold itin.4) Do you have a library card?Cuz I'd like to check you out.5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?Cuz I can see myself in em.6) You might not be the best lookin' girl here,but beauty's only a light switch away.7) Fat Penguin.... Sorry. I just wanted to saysomethin' that would break the ice.8) I know I'm not no Fred Flinstone, but Ibet I can make yer bed-rock.9) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?I think he went into this cheap motel room.10) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.11) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,we kin sleep til afternoon.And ... The best fer last!!12) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,every time I think of it my nuts tighten up
JDTRippett's wife came home from her night job in downtown Anderson. He asked her, "how much money did you make tonight"? She said, "125 dollars and 25 cents." JDTRippett asked, "who gave you the 25 cents"? She said, "they all did"!!
Bubba and JDTRippett were sitting in the stands at a Georgia Bulldogs game. Prior to the game, the students brought ole UGA out. As dogs usually do, he started to lick himself. Bubba turned to JDTRippett and said," I wish I could do that". JDTRippitt said, "bubba, that dog would bite you"!!
This isn't really a joke in a traditional sense, but it's funny nonetheless.
THIS VIDEO DOES CONTAIN ONE QUICK INSTANCE OF PROFANITY. IF THAT OFFENDS YOU, DON'T VIEW IT.
Edwin, I don't know what to make of those two posts, so I won't delete them even though my gut instinct is to do so. I'm afraid you may have just fed the internet trolls. Not good. (Besides, I don't know if they're jokes or true stories.)
If you posted them in defense of me or as an objection to the shenanigans of those two on the AIM site, including their most recent posts on a thread I have nothing to do with, thank you, even though I think it's a bad idea. You realize, though that they're going to claim you are me (and you don't want that, seeing as how they've painted me as an alcoholic, homosexual homeless guy who used to live in public housing.) They've already said I'm SSHM, DWade and several other names on the AIM site, but my only screen name there is JDTippett, and it automatically logs on there whenever I'm online.
My response to them is coming, as Bubba says, "soon." I know who they are. I know where they live. Either Butch Hughes will grow a set of balls and deal with a serious problem he has there, or I'll do it for him. My own spiral notebook is about full.
Sorry to interrupt open mic night at the comedy club. Carry on.
In keeping with the purpose of this thread, here's an Anderson-Independent Mail story. I'll leave it to you to figure out how funny it is:
In an effort to keep circulation numbers high in order to justify its advertising rates, AIM Publisher Butch Hughes decided to forego the futuristic business model daily newspapers are moving to lately and hire a bunch of teenagers to hock the newspaper every morning on the public streets and at public businesses.
One day, a kid was standing on a street corner in downtown Anderson shouting, "EXTRA! Read all about it! Fifty people swindled in downtown Anderson!"
One curious gentleman stopped and paid for a copy of the newspaper, which he immediately started reading. Finding absolutely NOTHING about anybody being swindled, he took it back to the young salesman.
"There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled," he said. "I want my money back."
The kid ignored him totally, turning away and shouting: "EXTRA! Read all about it! Fifty-one people swindled in downtown Anderson!"
Speaking of which, do you know how many newspaper publishers it takes to change a light bulb?
Only one ... but first he has to get a purchase order from Cincinnati and permission from HIS boss in Knoxville, since he's apparently no longer allowed to make his own local decisions.
See: http://m.naplesnews.com/news/2009/aug/25/scripps-newspapers-begin-reorganization/
How various media outlets would report the end of the world:
USA Today: WE'RE DEAD! (See story, page 15)
Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones plummets as world ends
National Enquirer: O.J. and Nicole Together Again
Inc. Magazine: 10 Ways You Can Profit from The End of the World
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER!
Playboy Magazine: The Girls Of The Apocalypse - Hef always told us to live like there's no tomorrow. Here are 25 reasons why he was right.
TMZ: Photogs catch Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan in wild, drunken orgy as world ends
FOXNEWS, Glen Beck: "A guy you may not have heard of before - Saul Alinsky - set in motion a sequence of events back in the 1960s that led directly to today's looming catastrophic meltdown of the world. Many of you liberals who came of age in the 60s and early 70s know exactly who he is. For any of you conservatives still alive, we're going to tell you all about him and how he almost singlehandedly put us on this deadly path to doom ... when and if we come back after the break."
WYFF-TV/WSPA-TV/FOX21: A sudden outbreak of violence in the Middle East could affect us right here in the Upstate. We'll tell you how. Also, is a warming trend on the way? You just might need the SPF-5,000 sunscreen by the weekend. AND, if you're currently unemployed, you can finally stop worrying about it. Details on these stories and more at 11 ... if we're still here.
Williamston Urinal: Stan Welch exclusive - Path to apocalypse started at Joey Preston's favorite bar
Anderson Independent-Mail:
Obama diplomacy fails to stop global catastrophe;
Bush, Limbaugh, healthcare crisis share blame
(see story in Tuesday's Independent-Mail)
geraldgarrett said: "My response to them is coming, as Bubba says, "soon." I know who they are. I know where they live. Either Butch Hughes will grow a set of balls and deal with a serious problem he has there, or I'll do it for him. My own spiral notebook is about full."
Good. About time you deal with those you feel are slandering your name in court, of course since you noted you know where they live, you're not going to go all Clint Eastwood on them, are you?
I thought Edwin's jokes were funny. And besides, there is not a JDTrippett member here, so it's not like he's busting on a ATZ member. If they can't take Edwin busting a joke on them, after they air publicly you live in guvment housing and got evicted from it (which I'm gonna venture to guess is not true, but don't know one way or the other), then, they need to move out of their moma's basement and become men (or women, I'm not sure which they are, honestly).
geraldgarrett said: "In an effort to keep circulation numbers high in order to justify its advertising rates, AIM Publisher Butch Hughes decided to forego the futuristic business model daily newspapers are moving to lately and hire a bunch of teenagers to hock the newspaper every morning on the public streets and at public businesses."
I don't know if I've seen that going on here in Greenville (it may and I just haven't seen it), but have seen at major intersection stoplights in Winston-Salem and Greensboro when the wife and I are up there checking in on her mom's place and visiting her sister people offering the local newsprint for sale on the weekends. Thought I also recalled it happening in Charlotte. I don't know what they pay those people for doing that (maybe like they do paperboys, based on what they sell?), but I guess about the only place that would make sense in Anderson is on Clemson Blvd. to get enough volume of cars on the weekend?
I wouldn't want that job.
It was just a couple of funny jokes, nothing more. I did change the names in fun. And I did use the TRippett name, not Tippitt.
And I would consider it an honor to be accused of being you.
Those with a little age on them should recognize the second joke. I borrowed it from Lewis Grizzard.
I had no problem with the jokes, Edwin. Heard 'em before. And I did recognize the dog joke as one Grizzard loved to tell. However, for all I know, it's one he heard from me, and I know for a fact that I originally heard it from somebody else a long time ago. Like most columnists and comics, Lewis "borrowed" a lot of his material and made it his own. I've been known to "borrow" stuff from him and others, too - including elements of the jokes I posted earlier - so it all works out.
Thanks for the compliment, by the way, but trust me on this one. You wouldn't want to be accused of being me at the moment. Things are getting nasty in background, and it's not a pleasant identity to have. I accept it for what it is, but I wouldn't wish it on anybody.
Public lies are certainly damaging in a lot of ways, but engaging in a tit-for-tat with them in an effort to correct the record only lends credence to those lies. They're relentless. Correcting them or refuting them only feeds their frenzy once they get you in their sites, and after a point the truth just doesn't matter to them.
I may well be taking the wrong path in dealing with this, but only time will tell.
